I be a Pirate! Aar!
My pirate name is:
Captain Roger Rackham
Even though there's no legal rank on a pirate ship, everyone recognizes you're the one in charge. You have the good fortune of having a good name, since Rackham (pronounced RACKem, not rack-ham) is one of the coolest sounding surnames for a pirate. Arr!
Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.part of the fidius.org network
feesh
This blog has been lying neglected in some random corner of Google's servers for six months now.
I've lost the urge to write. But then I have no right to hurt this blog by compiling repetitive, mundane and fairly inconsequentials lists now, do i?
Ideas on what I should be writing about keep popping up in my head. I might be bipolar but my thoughts are spectral. Shapeless, pointing in every direction at the same time. I think of how I plan to single-handedly resurrect football in India over a meticulously laid-out thirty year period. Then I think of my pointless existence. And then come thoughts of her. And then I remember that moloko or autechre track I have to download. Gah. Why aren't the thoughts stable. It hard to focus. Focus ain't fucking there.
fuck fuck fuckity fuck.
ah some cussing after months of austerity. Thank me.
@ the Moment - 3 (May 22nd 2006)
Book :
Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts
Grub : Toast with cheese as midnight snack.
Garb : tee/shorts. im supposed to be sleeping u know.
Mood : Upbeat. as usual.
Music : My favorite, Silence.
Hope : To be back in the States as early as possible.
Secret Hope : That I stop thinking of Her.
Looking forward to : Hardly looking forward to it but Ma's doc appointment t'row.
Not looking forward to : Yeah the Doc appointment actually. Hope all is good.
Stopped caring about : A certain somebody who i tried to care abt but she seems to have deserved it.
Frustration : Im trying but the weight aint going! And Leeds not making the Prem. GAH.
Ranting : None really, Ive been jolly otherwise.
Rebel Act : Finally told family i eat pork. no big deal? oh yes in this house it is.
Satisfaction : I've been reading a lot and i like that.
Good Deed : None today. Its a sunday. I take a break from everything.
Literally.Bad Deed : Being up right now?
Gastro Craving : Pizza!
@ the moment -2
Book :
The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera and
Dubliners by James Joyce.
Grub : None. Plans for phuchhka followed by Domino's.
Garb : Kurti/Jeans. gah the same!
Mood : Upbeat
Music : My favorite, Silence.
Hope : Man U lifting the Carling Cup this season.
Secret Hope : Arsenal winning the Champs League.
Looking forward to : Footy on the telly.
Not looking forward to : Weekend?
Stopped caring about : Cricket
Frustration : The whole Mainland China campaign. I'm genuinely pissed.
Ranting : Ah nevermind, it will just get worse.
Rebel Act : Kingfisher Swimsuit Calendar on my Wall :D (oh God wait till Miss March)
Satisfaction : Being on my own.
Good Deed : Helping out bigtime with household chores
Bad Deed : :D Charging money for it :D
Gastro Craving : Pizza!
@ the moment
Book :
Chokher Bali by Rabindranath Tagore
Grub : Coffee
Garb : Kurti/Jeans
Mood : Upbeat
Music : My favorite, Silence.
Hope : Return to normalcy
Secret Hope : To stagnate in Time
Looking forward to : Studies. Yes, i've lost it.
Not looking forward to : Meeting relatives again tonight.
Stopped caring about : Cricket
Frustration : Ibrahim not being used as target man. and I thought Johor das was a coach.
Ranting : Pointlessness of VD14
Rebel Act : Kingfisher Swimsuit Calendar on my Wall :D
Satisfaction : Finished all HW
Good Deed : Helped Boromami with shopping
Bad Deed : hmm..ignoring someone?
Gastro Craving : None, lost my taste buds
100 Things to do before I die (List incomplete)
- Do Acid.
- Become a Manchester United FC Season Ticket holder.
- Go Skydiving.
- Fall for someone who can return my love.
- Shake hands with a Nobel Laureate.
- Get a real Turntable and release my own underground album.
- Go to Niue Islands.
- Watch Simon Posford live in concert.
- Read the Bhagwad Gita, the Koran and the Bible.
- Own a Mark Levinson stereo system.
- Watch Roger Federer play.
- and be mesemerised by Rooney.
- Dance at the Rio Carnival.
- Go skinny dipping.
- Be in the same room as Amitabh Bachchan or APJ Abdul Kalam.
- Take part in a Human Rights rally.
- Read Abol Tabol in Bangla.
- Finish learning German.
- Learn another foreign language.
- Wicked Tattoo.
- Act in a play.
- Publish a book, even if i am its only reader.
- Learn how to make perfectly round rotis.
- Run a marathon.
- Go to business school
- Live in europe.
- Own a pair of Predator Boots.
- Have a decent knowledge of renaissance and post- renaissance european art.
- Restaurant. open one.
- Tag friggin Heuer.
- Go golfing at St.Andrews
- And clubbing at Ibiza, Larnaca, Mykanos, Monte Carlo and Malta.
- Watch the Sun set behind the Pyramids at Giza.
- Spend a day at the Cairo Museum
- and a week at the Louvre
- Scream from the top of Jungfrau
- Drive down (or up...) to Ladakh
- Watch a footy world cup game in the flesh.
- Make a movie. I really got to make a movie.
- Hmm and when can I afford my first iBook?
- A little trip to poland to check out Auswchitz
- Regain respect in my own eyes
My Policies about life and how it should be lived (List Incomplete)
And no, i dont give a fuck abt what anyone has to say about them.
And I shall expand on each of the points over time. Some of these are long formed notions I have, others developed due to recent happenings in my life. I'm pretty sure I will add to and modify these rules as the years go by. Needless to say i'm a bit pissed and irritated. I have honestly had enough of being selfless and doing things for people without caring for returns. For far too long I have modified myself and my life to suit those of people I care most about.I really need to start living for myself for a change. So here are the new Rules:
- Shun Idealism. Be your own man.
- Learn to accept facts.
- Try everything in Life. There IS a right time for it all.
- Remember, It's not who you are inside but what you do that defines you.
- If someone is cool to you, be ubercool back. If they're neutral, be cool ; but if they mess with you make sure they rust in peace.
- Don't expect anything from anyone.
- The stem of all trouble between two people is expectations and them not being fulfilled.
- Nothing Lasts, But nothing is lost. Life goes on.
- Love and respect your parents, they love you, know you and care for you more than most can even hope for.
- Never do something to someone that you wouldnt want happening to yourself.
- If you do, accept responsibility, repent, move on; if possible try and make it up to the person.
- But only if the person is worth it.
- Think. You have been given a brain, use it.
- If you fall, always analyze why.
- Nothing is Perfect. Not even these rules.
- Make the best of whatever soup you have landed in. Rest assured, a lot of people are in much deeper shit.
- Mix realism and optimism.
- If you aren't doing something wholeheartedly, there is no point in doing it.
- Be Honest. To yourself and everyone else around you. Few things hurt more than lies.
- Mental/emotional pain is always greater than or equal to physical pain.
- Avoid giving either.
- The human mind is like a rubber band. There is only as much shit it can take before reaching a Breaking Point. Make your brain like that.
- People are selfish. Well obviosuly, you too.
- Never again care for someone more than they care back. You've done it before and very well know how much it hurts.
- De-sensitize yourself. Again. The Emotional Plane is where you belong.
- Get your priorities straight. And only one person can be your top priority. You.
- If someone is special to you, make them feel so.
images
blood
sweat
barbed wire,
cutting through skin
grease
cracked concrete,
my feet stuck
is it hair or snakes?
teeth, not mine
an eye gouges,
a leaf dies
an explosion, an implosion,
but the walls stand uncracked
chair shaking
spine creaking
clouds speeding past
sun stuck on the horizon
not rising
not setting
the snake teases
the spider twists
more blood
but its black
streaming down a green pear
walls rusty
skin cracked
the other eye bleeding
nails lifted
projector running,
no images on reel
record turning,
is silence the sound?
is this all i get to do for thanksgiving???
HOTTEST WOMAN OF THE MOMENT : Charlize Theron
TV SHOW OF THE MOMENT : Family guy, Southpark & Lost
IRRITATING AD OF THE MOMENT: everything on American television
FOOD OF THE MOMENT: Roast Tilatia & Roast shrimp in mango salsa
SMELL OF THE MOMENT: Blank
NUMBER OF MAILS IN INBOX AT THE MOMENT: 300+
NUMBER OF PEOPLE ON MSN AT THE MOMENT: 15
QUESTION OF THE MOMENT: What r v doin this thanksgivin?
STATE OF ROOM AT THE MOMENT: Holocaust!
CUTE SCENE OF THE MOMENT: too girly to ask...
CRAVING OF THE MOMENT: Coffee with Ranjana
WISH OF THE MOMENT: i wish i had new ideas to bug u everyday
CLOTHES OF THE MOMENT: light blue jeans and dark collared tee with American Eagle written in front
GUILT PANG OF THE MOMENT: im not talkin enough to mom
MEMORY OF THE MOMENT: vague memory of visiting your house in class 6
MISSING ARTICLE OF THE MOMENT: music system
BOOK OF THE MOMENT: Life of Pi By Yann Martel
MOVIE WISH OF THE MOMENT: Peter Jackson's King Kong
COMPANY OF THE MOMENT: my cellphone and you-know-who on the other side.
MENTAL NOTE OF THE MOMENT: Waking up tomorrow an buying all the things dad has asked me to...or else ill die!
WEATHER OF THE MOMENT: cold..yet calm
SONG OF THE MOMENT: I amthe highway - Audioslave
THOUGHT FOR THE MOMENT: Remember Rohit, you're not good with thoughts!
STATE OF MIND AT THE MOMENT: The sea at low tide....going towards high tide
JOKE OF THE MOMENT: the fact that im even answering this...
Time and Reality
Reality is staring me in the face. I only have Time on my side. But Time is running out too, and once it switches sides, life will just become worse than ever. And that is saying something cause I already am going through the worst phase of my life till now. It is like I am on one side of a canyon. I am alone. I step forward, its an abyss. I jump across, its Reality. But how long can i run from It? Everything is bad and everything is going wrong. I still have friends and family on my side, but will they switch sides just like time? As it is I have never felt this alone, this lost. Everything I want or wanted seems so distant.
Actually I think the only positive in my life right now is Runki. I can't tell Her
what all is going wrong but atleast when I talk to Her, I stop thinking of it all. She makes me feel so much better. A little escapism does help. But then at times when I think maybe she just doesnt have the Time for me, it just makes it all the worse for me. A few weeks back she was aways there for me. But its no longer so. I know I
expect way too much from her. Maybe I'll lose Her too.
What makes it worse is the fact that I am making the same mistakes I made four years back. Mistakes I promised myself I would never ever make again. But life is a bitch, and reminds you that maybe you aren't even fully in control of your own mind, let alone your Destiny.
People are beginning to notice I am not the same old Me from a few months back. Ma keeps asking me why I sound so down always. Didi thinks I am perennially depressed now. And then, Runks asks whats wrong. And I have never been as touched by anything anyone has said in recent times as I was by what a drunk Bhela said the other night. I don't remember the exact words as I was too drunk myself but I know they got me to tears cause I thought i had been masking my emotions in front my friends decently atleast, and also because he was the last person I
expected those words from. He said something like, "Dude, we all know something is wrong with you. Just because we don't say anything, don't think we have't noticed or that we don't care. We are your best friends and no one will understand better than us. I thought you knew this well but maybe we should remind you, we are always here." Well atleast for the Time being.
Am I overreacting? Is it is not as bad as I think it is? Does it feel this bad simply because I have always had it good? Are people around me going through more shit than I am? Am I just losing it? So many questions and no answers.
Maybe I need to be inspired or something. I know for sure that Rohana and Puja have gone through so much more shit than I am going through or am
expecting to go through. Rohana has for sure. And look at her. Always all-smiles. Just love her. Just once in my 2 years of knowing her have I come out of a conversation with her sadder than when I started off. And that too because I was thinking of my current shit. Even when she is really sad - and those moments are soo hard to tell - she will make sure people around her aren't. Again brings me to the biggest grievance in my life : why are people
I love, so far away from me. We don't talk as often but even now she always makes me feel so special. But thats cause she is just so special.
Well atleast I'm ending this on a happy note. :) That's why I like writing. I end up letting what is pent up and let my natural smiling self back out again. I think I will sleep peacefully tonight.
Album Review : Nothing Lasts...But Nothing Is Lost - Shpongle (2005)
The other day someone asked me a very silly question.
"Is Shpongle any good?"
Silly not because it bordered on the rhetorical but more so because it was just the wrong question to ask. Before trying out the any music from the Ambient Psy genre one needs to ask himself:
Am I ready to break past the physical into the metaphysical?
Am I ready to listen to music that is far too complex to pen down in simple notes?
Am I ready to visualise what I hear and mould what I see into what I want to hear?
If you answer yes to any or all of the above, yor are ready to be Shpongled.
Shpongle is an electronic music project combining the skills of Simon Posford (aka Hallucinogen) and Ronald Rothfield (aka Raja Ram). Individually, they produce the most ballistic psytrance out there but together they are just sublime.
Nothing Lasts...But Nothing Is Lost is the third and probably last offering from the duo after their critically acclaimed debut
"Are You Shpongled?"(1998) and the equally well received sophomore offering,
"Tales of the Inexpressible" (2001).
The universe created by Shpongle is unfortunately beyond the limitations of the spoken/written word. A microcosm in itself, it sounds like the perfect combination of everything perfect.
The album starts off brilliantly with soothing sounds from nature (water, birds etc) combined with chimes, bass and sundued beats to set the mood for the most pleasant aural journey of your life. The transition between tracks is seamless, like a flowing river with sounds being added and removed at will; each modification reinforcing the serenity of the ones already in the frame. The samples include samba beats and chants, moroccan drums, the flute (played masterfully by Raja Ram), Indian Classical Vocals, simple chimes & bells, the Sax, acoustic guitars and several others too abstract for my relatively untrained ear. These are then combined with a little psychedelic twist and at times, with vocals.
Like Salvador Dali's art, and like the LSD experience, the way you interpret this album depends entirely on the state of mind you are in and what you expect from the CD. The music is abstract enough to mould it around your own thoughts and experience a little sensation of euphoria associated with an orgasm, without the muscle contractions. And that is just an understatement.
I can confidently say that no album has ever impressed me and impressed upon me as this one, and I have been listening to it for just two hours now. Needless to say, I give it a 5/5.
Track Listing :
- 01 - Botanical Dimensions
- 02 - Outer Shpongolia
- 03 - Levitation Nation
- 04 - Periscopes of Consciousness
- 05 - Schmaltz Herring
- 06 - Nothing Lasts
- 07 - Schnitzl'd in the Negev
- 08 - ...But Nothing Is Lost
- 09 - When Shall I Be Free?
- 10 - The Stamen of the Shaman
- 11 - Circuits of the Imagination
- 12 - Linguistic Mystic
- 13 - Mentalism
- 14 - Invocation
- 15 - Molecular Superstructure
- 16 - Turn Up the Silence
- 17 - Exhalation
- 18 - Connoisseur of Hallucination
- 19 - The Nebbish Route
- 20 - Falling Awake
California Nightmare
"Hey-ho-ho-hey-hey-ho-ho-hey-hey"
No. That is not Santa pretending to be retarded. It is in fact the refrain in one of Runki's favorite songs : California Dreaming by Benny Benassi. And unfortunately it is the remix of one of my faves: a song of the same name performed originally by The Mamas and the Papas.
I had never really held the song in particularly high regard; always felt it was average. But last nite we were discussing music and she tells me how much she liked it and how it can get her to dance everytime. So this morning I wake up thinking, gah I must've made a mistake. The song might be genuinely good afterall. So after I return from morning class i decide to listen to it on a loop.
It started off well. The initial beats, I must admit, got my neck rocking. Ofcourse even the backstreet boys could get my neck rocking a few years back. But then I decided to be positive.
It didn't take long for the to notice that the sampling in the opening minute had been used before by him in atleast 3 different songs. Oh cmon Rohit, be positive! And then came the refrain from hell. Hey-ho-ho-hey-hey-ho-.. oh shutup.
Slow roasting is considered to be among the most painful forms of torture. You hang the guilty over a low flame and rotate him over and over again, effectively cooking him alive in the process. The pain is considered unbearable. And its a feeling very very few people have ever lived to tell. Now, I feel like one of those chosen few, the refrain being my fire. Not since the time I remember my first flight, as a four-year old, have my aural nerves been through such excruciating pain. Its a very psychological kind of pain. Slow and consuming. I felt like I was beginning to lose it.
But then there was light at end of the Tunnel! But the light was a Train.
The divine words "All the Leaves are Brown, and the Sky is Grey..." had come to save me. Thankfully, it was unaltered from the original. But that pretty much underlined how unorignal the remix is.
But then the sample from the original had come as relief when I most needed it and I took it with both hands. Little did I know that I was just in the eye of the storm.
Just as the first paragraph ended.." on such a winter's day", my mind automatically played the next line:
"Stepped into a church, that I passed along the way"But OMG. It was back again. The Refrain From Fucking Hell. I was sure I was gonna lose it. But I held on.
I know I have definitely heard much worse songs but what is it that made this song so painful for me to listen to? Maybe I have a few explanations :
- When you listen to Benassi, you expect quality. Not irritating refrains. He has raised his own bar so high, it just gets harder to take crap.
- You expect originality. Not old samples. A remix is when you mix two songs together. Not play them alternatingly.
- California Dreaming is among the greatest songs ever written, performed and heard. You don't touch it unless you are God Yourself. Period.
- Alrite, you think you are God and you touch it. Alteast play the entire song.
- The song was promoted as House number. But the beats can't get anything below your head moving.
- The song lacks flow. It has a forced feel about it. The "original" part and the vocals just dont blend together. They just were not meant to be.
- The bass on it is jarring to the ear and can put Sepultura to shame.
- Lastly and most importantly : She likes it so much :(
I never really hated this song. I still don't think I do. But I don't think I will be able to listen to this song again without getting a fit.
But I still wasn't completely convinced that it was as bad as I thought it was. Maybe I was being biased. Maybe it is not his worst song afterall. So I decided consult wiki for a list of his more respectable songs. Wiki says :
- Satisfaction (as Benny Benassi presents The Biz)
- Able To Love (as Benny Benassi presents The Biz)
- No Matter What You Do (as Benny Benassi presents The Biz)
- Love Is Gonna Save Us (as Benny Benassi presents The Biz)
- I Feel So Fine (as KMC featuring Dhany)
- Get Better (as KMC feat. Sandy)
- I Love My Sex (as Benassi Bros featuring Violeta)
- Don't Touch Too Much (as Benassi Bros featuring Paul French)
- Illusion (as Benassi Bros feat. Sandy)
- Rumenian (as Benassi Bros feat. Violeta)
- Hit My Heart (as Benassi Bros feat. Dhany)
- Memory Of Love (as Benassi Bros feat. Paul French)
- Make Me Feel (as Benassi Bros feat. Dhany)
- Every Single Day (as Benassi Bros feat. Dhany)
OMG. It is True.
Light & Time
[Ranting]
Why is it that two perfectly compatible people who would have been so happy together had they met at any other point in their lives,
always meet at the wrong time?
And if the Time is right, it Just the Light thats
Never Right.
And has it ever happened to you that the only person in the whole fucking world with whom can talk about something, is the only person in the whole fucking world you cannot talk about it to?
And frankly, It would be quite silly to blame it on Murphy's Law. Its like blaming luck. And that's like being a loser.
And Note-to-Self: I have no right to be pissed at people for not doing shit
I expect.
[/Ranting]
For you :
"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."
- Henri Nouwen
Me Likey
Well ofcourse I know what I like and what I don't but i've never really bothered compiling my weird preferences into a list even though I have always wanted to. I like keeping things organized (OK, I inadvertently wrote something there that i can add to my list). This list cannot ever be considered comprehensive and will constantly need editing, but for now I'll just jot down whatever strikes my head.So here goes :
Me Likey (in no particular order):
- Clear, Starry Skies
- Coffee
- Bugging White Roses ;)
- My iPod (actually this should be in a list titled 'Me Lovey')
- Home
- Contemplative Silence
- Knowing/doing things most people don't
- Adidas shoes
- Chocolate, Ice creams and Chocolate Ice Cream
- Trying out new things
- LSD and everything related, except consumption
- Psychedelic Trance, Rock, Drugs, Thoughts.
- Freebirds World Burrito
- Keeping things organized (yes i know i've said that already)
- Manchester United FC
- earlier standards of C++
- Firefox (the coolest software on the web)
- Intellectual Debates
- Acquring Useless Knowledge (www.uselessknowledge.com was my fave site once)
- Hyderabad
- Her
- Football (and yes i am referring to the sport played with your foot )
- Keeping my hair all ruffled up
- Laughing at Awesomely Bad Movies
- Staying awake for as long as possible
- Laughing at myself
- Cracking the worst PJs ever
- Wikipedia (My only Savior in this ignorant world)
- Google (OK, make that two saviors)
- More White Rose
- Gangsta Films (Pulp Fiction, Goodfellas, Godfather, Reservoir Dogs, Snatch, Company, Satya, Vaastav, Cidade de Deus)
- The Hyderabad Public School, Begumpet (Tu Shaheen Hai!)
- Being an Optimist
- and yet having blind faith in Murphy's Law
- Being Indian and Being Bengali
- Desktops
- Respecting people's Beliefs
- Being Pretentious (Comes with being Bengali i guess)
- Long walks at night
- Longer drives
- The Beach and the Hills
- Listening to individual songs on unlimited loops
- Reading non-fiction
- Her asking me to shutup
- or just calling me an idiot :)
- Expressive Eyes (The biggest turn-ons on the planet)
Me Don't Likey (Again in no particular order):
- Idealism
- Deadlines
- Not being a Believer
- Sleep
- Windows and my dependence on it
- Veggies
- Being more talkative than I should be
- Goodbyes
- Bugging Her more than i should, for She is the sweetest ever
- Pop, Britney Spears, Wannabe Madonnas, Gay Bands
- Laptops
- Malfunctioning Computers
- Made in China electronics
- Conforming to norms
- Being the quintessential 'good friend'
- Ignorance
- Expectations
- People trying to convert me
- The fact that sharing good music is illegal. How illogical.
- Average movies.
- Smoke, Smoking, Smokers.
- Country Music (Wonder why it is Illegal to share it)
- Cheesy headlines on ToI, and me clicking them
- Being tagged 'nice'
- creepy nightmares
Strange and Beautiful
I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart,
I'll see.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.
I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep and I'll put a spell on you.
And when I wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you love me.
- Aqualung
The Brain Pattern Test
| Your Brain's Pattern |
Your mind is an incubator for good ideas, it just takes a while for them to develop.
But when you think of something, watch out!
Your thoughts tend to be huge, and they come on quickly - like an explosion.
You tend to be quiet around others, unless you're inspired by your next big idea. |
Murphy? oh buzz off
I have been a pretty buoyant mood all day and suddenly remembered the Law that I used to absolutely swear by in school : Murphy's Law.
"If anything can go wrong, it will"
Cynical yes. Pessimistic yes. But then the law and its corollaries explain life better than any maharishi or pope can bloody well dream of doing.
So, I am at the
official Murphy's Laws website and while browsing through the innumerable explanations to why life is so fucked up, this cynic's Bible takes me to its page on the
Laws of Love, and what do I see? The four things I most firmly believe about love :
- All the good ones are taken. (oh tell me abt it.)
- If the person isn't taken, there's a reason.
- The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you. (Damn right. And I am referring to more than one person here)
- Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.
I've just learned to accept the fact that one cannot always be around the person he wants to be except in my case its becoming more the norm rather than the exception. Rohan, Shreyans, Arpit, Som, Akshay, Balu, Ron, Ronzi, Puja, Runki, Radhika, Veena, Deepti, Divya and like a hundred others are everywhere except where I am. Ofcourse it just gets worse when u got feelings for a given chica. But then just as Murphy's Law starts bending your mind - and all the optimism inside- into believing whatever it says, Technology walks in thru to the backdoor, holds Murphy in an armlock, points a fully-loaded Desert Eagle 0.50 across his temple and says, " Murphy? oh buzz off!". You hear a gun shot; there's blood spattered on the other side of the room, and the world is a better place again.
I see ron online today after eons. Well it feels that long atleast. Somehow convince her that chatting is boring and we start talking on skype. Her mike isn't at its co-operative best and so I say ah fuck it and just call her. And what a conversation we have.
It was the first time I had actually called her from the US in my 2 yrs and few miserable* months here. And it felt like we were fitting 2 yrs of conversation into a measly 2 hours. She noted my voice sounded grown up. I noted her thoughts sounded grown up. And we had a conversation that spanned realities from before we first met to possibilities of where we could be twenty years from now. We do share common dreams afterall. And all this was interspersed with her gyan on every topic under the sun. Thats my good ol' rony. Though I must admit her thoughts reflect maturity beyond her years.
Her talking style (and she claims her entire personality) might have changed but she hardly seems to have changed from the inside over the last four years. And that is awesome. (For some reason I'm tempted into using the line from Sin City: "Sweet Little Nancy Callahad. She grew up. She filled out." But, umm NO.).
Everytime we wanted to elaborate on something we ended up saying the same line, " Ah lets leave that to discuss over coffee in december." And we both can't wait for it. :)
The good thing is that after the convo I felt happier than I have felt in over a year. As it is I had been feeling bouncier than usual after I vented out and talked to runki over the weekend, and this just helped matters further. To put it mathematically like I always like to, 70% was off my shoulders then and the remaining 30% went off now. And I have been all springy and bouncy both literally and otherwise :D. Its like im on Nitrous oxide or something. Im laughing and smiling and have been way too cheerful all day. And ppl are noticing too!
Gosh it feels like im high. Maybe I don't need LSD afterall ;)
* Ok my life is hardly as miserable as I make it out to be. I have a good life infact. I just thought that word seemed to fit well in the line :-p
Ramblings
4 am and I am not sleepy. Nothing new. But nothing great either. I have to be up in a few hrs to take a godforsaken test. Thankfully im quite well prepared.
Anyway, I went out on my usual walk and like always the night sky left me mesmerised. I don't remember my when my fascination with stars started. I think it is pretty recent. I was never one of those who appreciated nature till I came to the US. Maybe I just didn't have the time. The moon ofcourse is something I have always liked. I remember going for walks on the terrace in Hyderabad on full moon nights; it's reflection on the Husain Sagar is truly something to behold. But stars are something i never really paid attention to.
I think it all started a couple of months back after I discovered a secluded bit of land less than 5 minutes from here. I know sitting in a dark, deserted place, cut off from the world, thinking to myself, listening to music, doing as I please, doesnt sound like the healthiest thing I have ever done, but I really find a weird kind of peace there. With myself and everything around me. And it is there that I really started appreciating the beauty of the stars. Till then I had considered myself to be someone with a more conventional sense of beauty with a bias towards the symmetric. The Human Body, the finest aircraft, the (vastly overrated yet aesthetic) Taj Mahal all have one common, uniting factor : Symmetry. But then thats the beauty of the night sky; it defies all the conventional norms of beauty and yet might be more beautiful than anything that complies. Maybe thats the nature of beauty itself. Its just abstract. And I thinkit is something which like so many other things that changes
entirely based on perspective. Uff, where am I going with this anyway.
Enough of the boring talk. Who am I kidding : I can't stay serious for more than 10 mins at a stretch.
I am just going through a list of movies on ToI.com which they call
"25 Must See Bollywood Films fo any Bollywood Lover". Obviously I have watched them all but I thought it would be fun to draw up a little chart listing if I have watched a given movie on the list, the number of times i've watched it, the number of times I had watched it in India and the number of times I have watched it in the last 2 yrs. (ya, as runki would say : I've got major lack :p)
| Name/comment | # of times watched | # of times watched in India | #of times watched in the US |
| Black (2005) (Loved it) | 2 | Nil | 2 |
| Lagaan (2001) (Overrated) | 3 | 2 | 1 |
| Satya (1998) (good gangster flick) | 1 | Nil | 1 |
| Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge (1995) (uff.. my sister loves this..) | ~15 | All | - |
| Qayamat Se Qayamat Tak (1988) | 1 | Nil | 1 |
| Mr. India (1987) | 3 | 2 | 1 |
| Jane Bhi Do Yaaron (1983) (love the penultimte scene..) | 3 | Nil | 3 |
| Arth (1982) (How come..) | Nil
| Nil | Nil |
| Deewaar (1975) (Mere pass Ma Hai! :-p) | ~6 | ~4 | 2 |
| Sholay (1975) (Itna sannata Kyun hai bhai?) | ~15 | ~10 | ~5 |
| Bobby (1973) (Typical..) | 2 | 1 | 1 |
| Garam Hawa (1973) (Why I havent I heard of this one..) | Nil | Nil | Nil |
| Pakeezah (1972) (Raj Kumar with a foot fetish :-p) | 2 | 2 | Nil :-( |
| Anand (1970) (OK I'm ashamed) | Nil :'( | Nil | Nil |
| Padosan (1968) (Ek chatur naar! Oh love this one..) | ~5 | ~1 | 4 |
| TeesriManzil (1966) (Real good murder mystery complete with an Elvis-like Shammi Kapoor) | 1 | Nil | 1 |
| Guide (1965) (classic) | 1 | 1 | Nil |
|
Sahib Biwi aur Ghulam (1962) (No idea..)
| Nil | Nil | Nil |
| Mughal-e-Azam (1960) (Jab pyar kiya to darna kya ;) ) | 1 | 1 | Nil |
| Pyaasa (1957) (I've heard so much and yet not been able to get hold of a vid) | Nil | Nil | Nil |
| Mother India (1957) (Oscar nominated man..) | 2 | 2 | Nil |
| Do Aankhen Barah Haath (1957) | Nil | Nil | Nil |
|
Devdas (1955 )
| Nil | Nil | Nil |
| Do Bigha Zameen (1953) | Nil | Nil | Nil |
| Awara ( 1951) | Nil | Nil | Nil |
Hmm.. that showed some surprising results. I've watched just 16 of the 25. I don't watch too many movies after all! Or maybe I just watch too much crap :-D
Delving in..
Don't you want somebody to love? Don't you need somebody to love? Wouldn't you love somebody to love? You better find somebody to love
It was 5am on saturday morning and despite how sleepy I might have been feeling, Grace Slick's vocals sounded convincing enough for me to answer, "Yes. Yes. Yes. Ya I know." Not that I was lying. Nor was it the first time I was answering those questions. Paul McCartney posed a similar set of questions to me two months back. Though on that occasion John Lennon was kind enough to reply on my behalf.
(Do you need anybody?)I just need someone to love,(Could it be anybody?)I want somebody to love.
Its been over two years since I got over the last person I really liked, and just wanna be in love all over again. Nevermind heartbreak and unrequited love, it is all worth it just to feel that ecstasy in my heart, that twitch of nerve in the ring finger, the squirmy feeling in my gut all over again.
Maybe someone who drinks (much) more than me could compare it to wanting to drink even though he very well knows about the hangover he would wake up the next morning with.
But then what the hell? Why I am so pessimistic when it comes to these matters? Maybe things will finally work out with the next person i meet. Maybe, none of the earlier things worked out just so i could meet the next person. Heh, i'll forever be the quintessential optimist. But then I hardly stay optimistic in matters that aren't in my control.
It is funny I mention the two-year duration of my involuantary hiatus, if you will, because I was quite surprised to read what I had written about ******* just nine months back in January. I clearly remember having gotten over her before moving to the US. But then turns out that I might still have had lingering feelings for her so many months later. Or was that just me missing a really good friend? I think it is the latter. But then I guess I will always have a soft spot for her. I think she made me feel special in a way no other friend ever had, and I always miss that. But then that's that. She was. We were.
And no, I really don't remember the last time I missed her in that way. But I must admit a lot of bad things have been going through my mind over the last few months. I dont know what it is but fact remains that I have had more nightmares in the last six months than I remember having in the rest of my life combined. Just this morning I woke up with a start; the sight (and eerily realistic sensation) of a python trying to slither up your right leg can unsettle even the most hardcore snake lovers. Its hardly the worst 'bad dream' I've had but then why am I even having such crazy dreams. I am a person of reason and it really irritates me when things cannot be explained through logic or atleast simple rhetoric.
Well I'm sure the fact that I have not been at peace with myself for quite some time is playing a role somewhere in creating such eerie images in my mind. I have always considered myself to a go-getter, someone who wins regulary and is definitely above, if not beyond, the rest. And academically I haven't been living upto my standards. Nor have I been doing anything of even the slightest note outside academics. On a personal front too I have become a bit of a recluse. I am no longer the ever-smiling omnipresent bug involved in all things fun. I just stay indoors more often than not. And even if I am outside I prefer being on my own, avoiding familiar faces -at times blatantly- when I don't really wanna talk. The fact that I am now in single room hasn't helped matters either. And I usually keep my door closed, the way i like it, but people usually take it that I am doing so cause I am avoiding them. And friends like Garg, Bhela, Jadu and Gaurav with whom I hung all day at one time think I am not interested in talking to them anymore. Virtually every fun memory I have of the last 2 years have been around these guys and how can I forget the grossest birthday present I could have been given ;)
Well I have atleast started keeping the door open for the last 2-3 days and the changes are immediately noticeable. Thank Common Sense.
Spiritually too I feel a void and have so many unanswered questions I don't even wanna begin now.
All these thoughts and other similar unsettling ones like these made sure I did not enjoy a single bit of the delightful movie on show at the fresher's welcome today. Though today seemed worse than usual.I admit I have become extremely contemplative over the summer but I just kept thinking all through the movie, without paying attention to a single dialogue. And it went to the extent that I totally got bugged with what I was thinking and just walked out of the screening room wash my face and take a break for some time.
Anyway, the movie had ended by the time I entered the room again and a typical adda session had begun. It was fun to hear so many people speak in bangla after such a long time. Dinner wasn't too bad either.
I walked back through the longest, most indirect path possible. The night sky looked beautiful. It was a cloudless, moonless night and the starry night did help lift spirits a bit. But they really got a lift after Runki called. She's just so sweet. She's always there.
And life just goes on...
Tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock... that is all i can hear. I look around and it seems to be the only other thing awake along with me in the dead of this cold Munich night. Though i must say my day was more interesting than the clock's.
Last nite, i could not sleep too well. Like countless other nights i was kept awake by thoughts of people who are, who were and who i hope will be. Last night it was
*******'s turn to keep my mind busy with her thoughts. I was just thinking about everything that had been between us. It was almost perfect. alas, it was only almost.
But neways, I was just wondering how she would be right now, if she'd been done with her exams, if she finally put on some weight, if she had finished reading all of milan kundera's works as she had promised me she would, if she missed me...
This morning i wake up and check my University emailbox (something i Never do during holidays) and to my utter surprise, i saw a new message from the person i least expected. It was her, it was
****. She did miss me afterall, though i doubt she is done with her exams, or for that matter done anything else i had been thinking about. The mail was typical. Short, crisp, and to the point. she had mailed to blast me for not having mailed her all semester.Inspite of the contents, the fact that she had written them really made my day.
Didi and I had lunch at home and then went on to Rosenheiner Platz to get my sister a membership in the Stadtbiliothek. The only place in Munich where they let out english books. They have a small collection of bestsellers,though enough to keep bored housewives and lonely single professionals company when needed in a foreign land.Precisely what my sister was looking for.
Then I actually made her walk all the way down to MarienPlatz. They say the best way to see Europe is to walk and I now know why. Its these lovely lanes and by-lanes that house the epitome of European living and culture. Bulidings made in typical 19th century architecture, narrow winding cobble-stone streets reminiscent of Dadu's house in Dhakuria, street singers and artisits performing hoping from small change from passers-by, small stores lining the street, selling everything from Bayern München FC fan gear to CurryWurst(sausage cut into small pieces served with gravy), it had it all. I had walked the same streets a few days back when
Balu was in town and liked it so much, I forced
didi to come along with me again. And during the walk we had one of the most important talks we have had in a long time. Not important really, satisfying. We talked about our lives, how we were as little carefree school going kids in Hyderabad and how all of a sudden it all changed and we have flown away from our nests to countries we had never imagined we would see. The distance between us might have made us further apart physically, but then at heart we are closer than ever. I know that if i ever need to talk to someone about something, when im down or on a high, i know she would be the first person i would run to.
The evening and night were ok.
Jeeju came back from office late and we watched Lion King 1.5 (ya, that is what its called..) and shows the story of Timon and Pumba and their association with the Lion King. Oki movie. Gives the ocassional laugh but nothing worth writing home about. Thankfully the palak daal
didi had made was delicious and kind improved my already nice day.
Its late now, and they both have retired for the night, and i stay up alone in the living room with the laptop writing this blog entry i doubt anyone else will read.
I still hear the clock saying what it will say forever : Tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock
and life jsut goes on...
Howdy!
Umm.. thats abt it.
