Three-Fourth Talk

Time and Reality

Reality is staring me in the face. I only have Time on my side. But Time is running out too, and once it switches sides, life will just become worse than ever. And that is saying something cause I already am going through the worst phase of my life till now. It is like I am on one side of a canyon. I am alone. I step forward, its an abyss. I jump across, its Reality. But how long can i run from It? Everything is bad and everything is going wrong. I still have friends and family on my side, but will they switch sides just like time? As it is I have never felt this alone, this lost. Everything I want or wanted seems so distant.

Actually I think the only positive in my life right now is Runki. I can't tell Her what all is going wrong but atleast when I talk to Her, I stop thinking of it all. She makes me feel so much better. A little escapism does help. But then at times when I think maybe she just doesnt have the Time for me, it just makes it all the worse for me. A few weeks back she was aways there for me. But its no longer so. I know I expect way too much from her. Maybe I'll lose Her too.

What makes it worse is the fact that I am making the same mistakes I made four years back. Mistakes I promised myself I would never ever make again. But life is a bitch, and reminds you that maybe you aren't even fully in control of your own mind, let alone your Destiny.

People are beginning to notice I am not the same old Me from a few months back. Ma keeps asking me why I sound so down always. Didi thinks I am perennially depressed now. And then, Runks asks whats wrong. And I have never been as touched by anything anyone has said in recent times as I was by what a drunk Bhela said the other night. I don't remember the exact words as I was too drunk myself but I know they got me to tears cause I thought i had been masking my emotions in front my friends decently atleast, and also because he was the last person I expected those words from. He said something like, "Dude, we all know something is wrong with you. Just because we don't say anything, don't think we have't noticed or that we don't care. We are your best friends and no one will understand better than us. I thought you knew this well but maybe we should remind you, we are always here." Well atleast for the Time being.

Am I overreacting? Is it is not as bad as I think it is? Does it feel this bad simply because I have always had it good? Are people around me going through more shit than I am? Am I just losing it? So many questions and no answers.

Maybe I need to be inspired or something. I know for sure that Rohana and Puja have gone through so much more shit than I am going through or am expecting to go through. Rohana has for sure. And look at her. Always all-smiles. Just love her. Just once in my 2 years of knowing her have I come out of a conversation with her sadder than when I started off. And that too because I was thinking of my current shit. Even when she is really sad - and those moments are soo hard to tell - she will make sure people around her aren't. Again brings me to the biggest grievance in my life : why are people I love, so far away from me. We don't talk as often but even now she always makes me feel so special. But thats cause she is just so special.

Well atleast I'm ending this on a happy note. :) That's why I like writing. I end up letting what is pent up and let my natural smiling self back out again. I think I will sleep peacefully tonight.

posted by PSyNyD @ 2:16 AM