Three-Fourth Talk

Delving in..

Don't you want somebody to love?
Don't you need somebody to love?
Wouldn't you love somebody to love?
You better find somebody to love

It was 5am on saturday morning and despite how sleepy I might have been feeling, Grace Slick's vocals sounded convincing enough for me to answer, "Yes. Yes. Yes. Ya I know." Not that I was lying. Nor was it the first time I was answering those questions. Paul McCartney posed a similar set of questions to me two months back. Though on that occasion John Lennon was kind enough to reply on my behalf.

(Do you need anybody?)
I just need someone to love,
(Could it be anybody?)
I want somebody to love.

Its been over two years since I got over the last person I really liked, and just wanna be in love all over again. Nevermind heartbreak and unrequited love, it is all worth it just to feel that ecstasy in my heart, that twitch of nerve in the ring finger, the squirmy feeling in my gut all over again.

Maybe someone who drinks (much) more than me could compare it to wanting to drink even though he very well knows about the hangover he would wake up the next morning with.
But then what the hell? Why I am so pessimistic when it comes to these matters? Maybe things will finally work out with the next person i meet. Maybe, none of the earlier things worked out just so i could meet the next person. Heh, i'll forever be the quintessential optimist. But then I hardly stay optimistic in matters that aren't in my control.

It is funny I mention the two-year duration of my involuantary hiatus, if you will, because I was quite surprised to read what I had written about ******* just nine months back in January. I clearly remember having gotten over her before moving to the US. But then turns out that I might still have had lingering feelings for her so many months later. Or was that just me missing a really good friend? I think it is the latter. But then I guess I will always have a soft spot for her. I think she made me feel special in a way no other friend ever had, and I always miss that. But then that's that. She was. We were.

And no, I really don't remember the last time I missed her in that way. But I must admit a lot of bad things have been going through my mind over the last few months. I dont know what it is but fact remains that I have had more nightmares in the last six months than I remember having in the rest of my life combined. Just this morning I woke up with a start; the sight (and eerily realistic sensation) of a python trying to slither up your right leg can unsettle even the most hardcore snake lovers. Its hardly the worst 'bad dream' I've had but then why am I even having such crazy dreams. I am a person of reason and it really irritates me when things cannot be explained through logic or atleast simple rhetoric.

Well I'm sure the fact that I have not been at peace with myself for quite some time is playing a role somewhere in creating such eerie images in my mind. I have always considered myself to a go-getter, someone who wins regulary and is definitely above, if not beyond, the rest. And academically I haven't been living upto my standards. Nor have I been doing anything of even the slightest note outside academics. On a personal front too I have become a bit of a recluse. I am no longer the ever-smiling omnipresent bug involved in all things fun. I just stay indoors more often than not. And even if I am outside I prefer being on my own, avoiding familiar faces -at times blatantly- when I don't really wanna talk. The fact that I am now in single room hasn't helped matters either. And I usually keep my door closed, the way i like it, but people usually take it that I am doing so cause I am avoiding them. And friends like Garg, Bhela, Jadu and Gaurav with whom I hung all day at one time think I am not interested in talking to them anymore. Virtually every fun memory I have of the last 2 years have been around these guys and how can I forget the grossest birthday present I could have been given ;)

Well I have atleast started keeping the door open for the last 2-3 days and the changes are immediately noticeable. Thank Common Sense.

Spiritually too I feel a void and have so many unanswered questions I don't even wanna begin now.

All these thoughts and other similar unsettling ones like these made sure I did not enjoy a single bit of the delightful movie on show at the fresher's welcome today. Though today seemed worse than usual.I admit I have become extremely contemplative over the summer but I just kept thinking all through the movie, without paying attention to a single dialogue. And it went to the extent that I totally got bugged with what I was thinking and just walked out of the screening room wash my face and take a break for some time.

Anyway, the movie had ended by the time I entered the room again and a typical adda session had begun. It was fun to hear so many people speak in bangla after such a long time. Dinner wasn't too bad either.

I walked back through the longest, most indirect path possible. The night sky looked beautiful. It was a cloudless, moonless night and the starry night did help lift spirits a bit. But they really got a lift after Runki called. She's just so sweet. She's always there.

posted by PSyNyD @ 7:43 AM